Here’s a question that came to my Instagram, and which has been dancing in my mind ever since:

Hey there! I’ve written almost an entire book and chunks of others. Tend to feel the fear sink creep in at a certain point though. The fear of doing something with any of it; of sharing my truth. Can I ask… do you have any advice to offer around pushing forward past mental blocks when it comes to writing? Past fear?

To me this is a question of confidence–something which I struggle with all the time as a writer. The self-doubt creeps in whenever I’m doing a public reading, whenever someone talks to me about one of my books (even though, often, they are saying something nice), whenever I start the day planning to write…it’s there nearly all the time. The only time it’s not there is when I’m actually writing. When I manage to push aside my anxiety that anything I’m writing is even worth bothering with, when I start typing and move my head from the outside of the writing to the inside of the story, then those nagging fears disappear.

The rest of the time, I live with those fears. And so does nearly every other writer and storyteller I know. I think if I didn’t feel worried that my work was worth it, I wouldn’t work as hard as I do. I’d settle with the first draft, maybe with the second, and I’d decide it was good enough. I’d never strive or push or dig any deeper. Every single book I’ve published reinforces my belief that I could have done a better job–not that I didn’t do the best I could at the time, but each book teaches me new ways to write, hopefully better next time around. I couldn’t learn if I didn’t keep writing, and so I keep doing it despite my lack of confidence.

I listen to The Moth whenever I can. For those of you who don’t know it, The Moth is a Podcast where regular people tell their stories. These people stand up in front of audiences and share their truths. These stories are heartbreaking or funny or wise; they leave me in tears or laughing out loud or stunned. The stories are always deeply personal and I listen in awe that people can be so brave. Although these aren’t written stories, the same conceptual framework is there as it is for writers–the urge to share a story, the cracking open of those words. But these people have the added fear-factor of being in front of a live audience. And they do it anyway.

I came to writing from a place of privilege, supported by my family, supported by my partner. I’ve gone on to publish eight books with two more on the way. And despite this start point and those books of mine in the world, I still find myself full of doubt and anxiety around why I do what I do. I’ve learned to take the feeling as part of the job, part of writing, and I live with it, like I might live with a hairy monster–it hangs out around the house, sometimes I say hello, sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I cower. Translating this to practical advice, I sit and I write, I send work out, I get rejections (still now, LOTS of them), I feel sorry for myself, I use that feeling to sit down and write… and so on.

For me, I write even though I feel scared to share my stories. Perhaps because I feel scared. I know other people are out there are feeling just as scared and doing it anyway–doing it even in front of audiences! I write because I am inspired to dig as deep as I can to find the stories that I want to share–not because I think anyone else should read them, but because when I’m actually writing the words down, then I feel strong.

If anyone else has a question for me about writing, you can contact me easily through the links at the top and side of this page. And if you want to come and join me on one of my writing courses, please start with Freeflow, which is FREE!

#TDBookweek is an amazing opportunity for writers for children to tour a province that they don’t live in. I started my first TDBookweek tour at the weekend. On Sunday, after a beautiful day of driving, I spent the night in Port Hardy, in Vancouver Island. It was a beautiful night and I watched a rainbow over the marina as I read through my presentations for the following morning. I arrived at Gwa’sala-‘Nakwaxda’xw School early for my morning presentation. The school is on the Tsulquate Reserve. This is one of the few times I have been on a Reserve in Canada and I was reminded of our tragic and complicated history as settlers. I was toured through the school by the lovely Jackie Hunt, who talked me through the tragic past of the Reserve, and showed me the amazing steps the community continues to take to overcome and reconcile with the past. It was a deep learning moment for me. The first class of Grade 2 and 3s were engaged and actively listening, asking questions and then storyboarding with me during our time together. One of the students, kindly shared his storyboard for me to share with you. I talked about the experience of how Polly Diamond and the Magic Book was created, from inception to illustration, bringing alive the book and the process for these young writers. This was followed by a session with the Grade 6/7s where I talked about my book of non-fiction, about the life of Toronto teenager, Carley Allison, due out next year, to illuminate how a book comes to life, in keeping with the TDBookweek theme of bringing books to life.

I drove to Port McNeill where I found Cheeselakes Elementary School, despite the GPS leading me down a mining road. There I had another wonderful session with their two kindergarten classrooms who were terrific listeners as we talked about how Violet and Victor came to life, how the book was written, illustrated and born. Then I read to them from the book, took questions and heard all about the books these writers had written. After another drive of a couple of hours to get to Campbell River, I settled in with the presentations for tomorrow and a beautiful supper and view over the water.

Today, my second day of school visits, started with 150 kindergarten to Grade 3s at Penfield Elementary School, in Campbell River, who were so attentive and full of amazing questions as we talked about how they could share their best stories. I shared with them how a book was written and I must have answered twenty questions during pauses in my presentation, before hanging out with the Grade 3s to answer even more of their questions. Then I drove to Courtenay, where a group of eighty Grade 1-3s were equally full of questions and inspiration. My favourite comments of the day were: I am going to go home and write a book now. And, I have an ingrown toenail. I spend the night tonight in Courtenay, before returning to the same school as today–Arden Elementary, to meet with the rest of their Grade 2s and 3s. And then I’ll drive to Royston Elementary, before a longer drive to Parksville where I go to two more schools. As I drive, I’ve been listening to The Moth–it is such an pleasure for me not only to talk about my books with such excited kids, but also to listen to such extraordinary storytelling as I drive without the screaming interruptions of my four children. It gives me time to dream and think about stories and to, perhaps, come up with something new to work on once I get home.      

I have a lot of balls in the air–three books coming out in the next year (one on May 1st), several hundred students doing one of my online writing courses, school visits, a TD Book Week tour starting on May 5th, a regular slot on CTV which I have to read lots of books for (which I love, don’t get me wrong!), and then I have ideas for new books swirling, and all the usual dealings with my four kids and the endless to-do list looking after their needs requires. Sometimes I have to stop and take a moment to find the writer that I claim to be. See, some days it seems to me that I spend more time emailing than writing. Actually, it feels to me that most days I’m working my way through the practical side of managing my life and not getting to the actual writing part.

I know that I’m not the only one who struggles to balance writing/life/work. But here in Saskatoon, I have a little escape plan. There is a lovely retreat centre called Queen’s House of Retreat that lets out rooms for the day. Occasionally, not often, I drop the kids off at school and head here for the entire day. I tidy my laptop home screen, answer emails, write, (nap!), read, and still get back in time to have supper. At home, I have a space where I can work, but my kids love to be in there with me, and there is always the temptation at home to tidy/cook/answer the phone/procrastinate/play with the kids etc. Here at Queen’s House with my little room and my (not-so-secret-anymore) escape plan, I take a few hours to recalibrate.

Surprisingly, when I do this, I actually get some time to do the one thing I skip in my day-to-day life. Here, I spend time with my ideas. I think about what I’m working on, or my future ideas, and I look out the window and dream. It’s important for me to actually spend time with my imagination, I remember. It’s easier, sure, to work my way through my to-do list, but it’s more effective, strangely, for me to step outside my life just a little, tiny bit, to refuel for all the projects I want to work on–I’ve had the best ideas here, and I can suddenly see my way through projects that I’ve been stuck on.

I’m lucky that Queen’s House is neither expensive nor restrictive–they are welcoming and I am glad to be here, just for one more hour before I get home to make supper for five kids (we have one extra staying the night) and then to the huge pile of stuff at the bottom of the stairs that I need to tidy tonight!

I loved my daughter’s little note that she never finished as the image for this post–I always wonder what she was going to add! Use it for a writing prompt, if you would like to. If you have time….